Harry Potter 5: The Emo Years

870 pages. Really? Am I reading a children’s book or Leo Tolstoy here?

Honestly, I never thought I’d read a book with this many pages. Then again I never thought I’d wistfully long for the days of George W.Bush, but alas… here I am. Life comes at you fast. Maybe if Infinite Jest was one part in an exciting fantasy series I’d actually get around to reading it. Or maybe finishing these Harry Potter books will give me the confidence to take on Marcel Proust. But probably not.

Ch 1 – Dudley Dursley is now going by “Big D” and it just so happens that “Big D” is also my karaoke name! Wow, Dan and Dudley. Two Big D’s. So much in common.

Harry Potter 4: Less Quidditch, More Murder

In my last blog I vowed I would never use an online quiz to determine my Hogwarts House. Why? Because an online quiz isn’t a sorting hat and is therefore an illegitimate placement. Furthermore, I already knew in my heart of hearts which House I belonged to. Unfortunately we now live in the age of bullying and yours truly was bullied into taking the official Pottermore internet quiz. Surprise surprise. I’m a Hufflepuff. #hufflepuff4lyfe #besthouse #hatersgonnahate #badgerpride #rowthebadger

Superfluous “proof” of my Hufflepuff placement.

 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Chapter 1 – Woah.

So I pick up book 4 and I’m thinking, alright time to trudge through these early chapters about life with the Dursleys. Oh woe is Harry’s life with the Dursleys. Yada Yada Yada – It’s the fourth book, we get it already. But no! It’s all like: secret intrigue! and Voldemort milking a snake! and Pettigrew killing some lady! and a gardener stumbling upon them and getting murdered! and Harry’s scar burning! and DAMN!!! This chapter is way more engaging than the previous beginnings.

He’s Once, Twice, Three Times a Wizard

Ok let me start by saying that a lot of people have been telling me (more like demanding) that I need to take some official online quiz to truly discover my house (as if it’s somehow possible I’m not a Hufflepuff). But you know what? Last I checked a quiz doesn’t assign the houses, the sorting hat does. So unless one of you has a sorting hat lying around somewhere, I’ll continue to assume I’m a Hufflepuff.

I’m sorry but you don’t get placed in a Hogwarts house the same way you find out which Disney princess or Game of Thrones character you are. (I’m Belle and Khal Drogo btw).

 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Chapter 1 – Aww, a REAL birthday with real presents. How heartwarming. It’s like Harry’s becoming a real boy.

Harry Potter 2 – Way better than Weekend at Bernie’s 2

I’ve finished the second Harry Potter book and I’m pretty sure I’d be in Hufflepuff. To be honest I don’t know much about Hufflepuff because Gryffindor and Slytherin get 95% of the plot. Gryffindor and Slytherin are like Republicans and Democrats while Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are the Libertarians and Green Party. Sure they exist, but everyone knows they aren’t going to seriously matter. Hufflepuff probably has as much chance of winning the house cup as Jill Stein has of winning the Presidency. Nevertheless, I did consider voting for Ralph Nader for a hot second back in college so I’m comfortable with being in Hufflepuff for now.

My Introduction to Harry Potter

I finished the first installment of Harry Potter. Here are some thoughts that strolled through my head while reading:

 

Dudley Dursley – This kid reminds me of so many of the students I have worked with over the years. I really hope at the end of the book/series Harry gets to ride down on Falcor and terrify Dudley until he jumps into a dumpster.

If the fantasy genre has taught me anything, it’s that bullies always get what’s coming to them.

 

Chapter 3 – Man remember when people used to get letters? Not like bills and junk mail but hand-written letters? Those were the days. Of course Tindering was a lot more difficult back then.

Harry Potter – Two Decades Late to the Party

I once attended a wedding where my mother embarrassed herself and brought shame on our family by casually mentioning, “Oh this sounds like a catchy song, what is it?” We stared in disbelief. The song was “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” by Beyonce Our Mother. You might be thinking, “Dan, what’s so embarrassing about that?” This wasn’t in early 2008 – it was four months ago! Somehow my mom went all these years without ever hearing one of the most popular songs of the decade.

Sometimes we find ourselves, either by choice or by happenstance, among the small percentage of people untouched by a pop culture phenomenon. My roommate has never seen a Star Wars movie. I once dated a girl who couldn’t name a single Beatles album. In 1996 my summer camp had a dance on the basketball court and there were three kids who had no idea how to do the Macarena – I still remember the confusion and horror on their faces.

Anatomy of a Las Vegas Bender – 36 hours of football, gambling, and booze

In November of 2015 I traveled to Las Vegas with my friends Matt and Brian. There we met up with our friends Taddie, Jimbo, Jeska, and Mike. Seven men, two rooms, one weekend. Here’s how the events transpired from my point of view.

Disclaimer: This retelling should not be taken as 100% accurate. As the marketing slogan claims, some things happen in Vegas that must stay in Vegas. Thus, omissions have intentionally been made. All images are stock photos.

 

This is the famous Las Vegas strip, of which I saw approx. 0.27% during my trip.

Friday

5:50pm – Home from work and I have 40 minutes to pack. I’m too cheap to pay for a carry-on, so everything must go into a small duffel bag that will fit under the airplane seat. This is not a problem.

Contents of said bag:

The 10 Greatest Quotes from Abraham Lincoln – Number 6…WOW, so true!!!

Behold the series of tubes we call the internet! 

Much has evolved since Al Gore’s invention debuted way back in 1995. I doubt our former VP could have foreseen the many useful ways in which the internet now improves our daily lives, the most popular of which are:

• Reading articles that aren’t actually articles, but lists (e.g. “23 Reasons why Paragraphs are so Passé”)
• Expressing self-righteous indignation toward the hot topic du jour (BTW, I’m extremely curious how each of you feels about Donald Trump)
• Binge watching television shows (Side Note: I’m looking to trade someone an HBOgo password in exchange for a Netflix password)
• Cat memes. Sweet, adorable cat memes.

During my daily perusal through facebook/twitter/intstagram/tumblr/tinder/grindr/myspace I often find people posting motivational and thought-provoking quotes. Why think for yourself when a famous person can do it for you, amiright? And the person I perhaps see quoted more than anyone else is none other than our 16^th President, Abraham Lincoln.

Side note: I’m trying to get my Lincoln Impersonator For-Hire business going. Teachers/Maids of Honor, please call me if you’re interested. Honest Abe will visit your history classroom/bachelorette party for a very reasonable price.

As a self-described Abraham Lincoln aficionado, I present the official list:

Honest Abe’s Top Ten Quotes

1. “Four score and seven years ago…hey Bill, what if instead of just saying 87, I start this speech by making everyone do some mental math just for funsies?”
-Gettysburg Pennsylvania, 1863*

Ranking the Mascots of the Big Ten

March Madness is in full swing. Maybe you took two days off work last week to watch the games, or maybe the only time you watch sports is when there’s a lull in the conversation at a Super Bowl party. Either way, there’s one aspect of sports everyone loves, the mascot. These furry and lovable characters keep people entertained with their antics, fire up the fans with their cheers, and pose for pictures with children who aren’t terrified of getting too close. If you don’t like mascots then I assume you’re either a terrorist, a “get off my lawn!” old man, or a small child.

In the spirit of the season, I’ve ranked the 14 mascots from my favorite athletic conference, The Big Ten conference.

The Album vs. The Playlist (w/Book Review – Interpreter of Maladies)

With Interpreter of Maladies in hand, I recently embarked on “A Return to the Short Story.”

…Although, I shouldn’t imply that I’ve been away from short stories. I’ve now set a personal record this year by reading three short story collections. Though they may not be as fulfilling as a full length novel, I do love short stories in their own right, which brings me to an interesting debate:

The Album vs. The Playlist