July – the month of my favorite holiday: Independence Day, AKA The 4th of July. The barbecues, the sunshine, the 10:30 pm dusk, the beach, the booze, and the fireworks. My God, the fireworks! This year, however, I have a confession to make.
This is probably what Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin had in mind.
Usually my blogs aren’t controversial. My most contentious opinion thus far is that the Harry Potter movies are frustratingly terrible. But in our current, polarizing political climate people are taking hard stances and choosing sides. Thus, I too have joined the fray. Unpopular as my opinion may be, I am compelled to state it:
“The Star-Spangled Banner” kinda sucks.
Now before you accuse me of treason or report me to the NSA (as if they aren’t already well aware of all my activities) hear me out.
Lest you think me unpatriotic, here I am celebrating our country the same way our founding fathers did (Minus, you know…the rampant white male supremacy.)
First things first – History 101
A brief history of Francis Scott Key:
- Francis Scott Key is born in 1779.
- In 1814 he witnesses the British attack Fort McHenry.
- He writes a poem about it, presumably to impress a girl.
- The poem is put to the tune of a well-known drinking song.
Francis Scott Key hoped to catch the eye of some local gals with his poetry. Instead, they just thought he was weird.
A brief history of the USA in regards to our National Anthem:
- The colonies declare independence from Britain on July 4, 1776.
- We manage to kick ass for 155 years despite not having a national anthem.
- In 1931 someone realizes, “Oh shit, America needs an anthem.”
- “The Star-Spangled Banner,” is officially chosen and signed into law by President Herbert Hoover.
Voilia.
“You know what will take everyone’s mind off this depression? A song!” -Herbert Hoover in his bid for reelection
Justification for a New Anthem
I have two core arguments why “The Star-Spangled Banner” should not be our National Anthem. My first argument is, admittedly, subjective to personal taste; however, the second argument is indisputable fact.
Reason #1. Opinion: It’s not a very good song.
The melody hops around like an erratic wallaby and lacks any kind of catchiness or flow. Hearing this song a million times has dulled our reception to how uninspiring the melody really is. Again, this is opinion and can certainly be argued – the next reason, not so much.
Reason #2. Fact: The Star-Spangled Banner is extremely difficult to sing.
Our anthem is what is known as, “a singer’s song.” The melody spans nearly two octaves with large intervals and high notes that force the voice to make tremendous leaps. The average person trying to sing our anthem is like an average student attempting an advanced algebra equation.
And therein lies the rub. A national anthem should be a communal song – one that we all sing together and feel comfortable doing so. That is not the case with our current anthem.
Look how awesome it is when other countries (In this case Canada) play their national anthem. Go to the 0:22 mark in the video below; the crowd never misses a beat (because they are already all singing at the top of their lungs). This was the same experience I had when watching rugby in Ireland.
I’ve been to hundreds of American sporting events and have never seen a fraction of this enthusiasm for our anthem. It has always been my experience that the vast majority of people refrain from singing the “Star Spangled Banner.” Usually a famous singer or celebrity is trotted out to sing the anthem and everyone sits quietly and listens. This gives further incentive to people like me (who’d rather belt the anthem) to stay quiet. Well, I’m sorry but the National Anthem isn’t supposed to be an operatic concert, it’s a sing-along.
I’ll admit that this was pretty awesome, but Hendrix could make anything sound amazing.
Think of the person you know who doesn’t sing. EVER. Maybe they embarrass easily, maybe they think they have a bad voice, maybe they are tone deaf. (I’ve got several people in mind already). Now imagine this person at a birthday party for one of their relatives. The cake comes out with candles blazing and everyone starts singing “Happy Birthday to you…” The person I’m thinking of, despite the fact that they NEVER sing in front of people, is joining in to sing the birthday song. Why? For one, it’s expected. Who wants a five year old (or anyone) to look up and wonder why everyone is singing to them except for Cousin Eddy? Furthermore, it’s a very safe environment for singing. The song is relatively easy and because everyone joins in, no one is going to hear if someone is off pitch. And if people do hear how bad the singer is, it’s easily forgiven because, come on, EVERYONE sings the birthday song regardless of talent. This is the same environment that should exist for national anthems. Unfortunately it is an environment that is impossible with our current anthem.
Sophia is crying because Uncle Jim isn’t singing along to “Happy Birthday” and thus proves he doesn’t love her.
More Anthem Grievances and Arguments
Subject Matter: What should the lyrics of a National Anthem pertain to? Should they be blindly Patriotic? What if an anthem was somewhat self-deprecating? Or humorous? Should it mention a country’s natural beauty? Historical accomplishments? General themes like freedom and peace? Or all of that combined? It’s difficult to say. With so many options, The United States chose an oddly narrow path.
“The Star-Spangled Banner” is about an unforgettable event in American history, one that we celebrate each year and that all school children learn inside and out: The War of 1812. #sarcasmfont
Be Honest, do you REALLY know who we fought in the War of 1812?
In all seriousness, victory in the War of 1812 was vitally important to our independence as a nation. But come on, considering our many, many, many wars (Revolutionary War, Civil War, World Wars, Cola Wars) I think we could find a better war to sing about. I actually like the sentimental idea of watching a flag throughout a night of battle to see if your enemies have defeated you or not. However, it’s such an esoteric event that is not even remotely representative of what America has to be proud of.
They couldn’t even give this war a proper name? I mean honestly, “The War of 1812” is like naming your baby July Eighth Two Thousand Seventeen Johnson.
Violence: The anthem is about a battle; it mentions bombs and rockets and ramparts and what not. Some people have a problem with this; I do not. If a song is going to be about our history it might as well be honest. Plus, we’ve got nothing on the French in this regard. Here is a line from “La Marseillaise:”
They’re coming into your arms to cut the throats of your sons and women! … To arms Citizens! Form your Battalions! … Let an impure blood water our furrows!”
Ya… bombs bursting in air and rockets’ red glare doesn’t seem too violent compared to slitting throats and watering the crops with blood.
After the French Revolution the American Founding Fathers probably thought, “Dang we didn’t cut off one single king’s head in our revolution. What a missed opportunity.”
Slavery: Many people don’t realize the Star-Spangled Banner has four verses, the third of which makes a reference to “hiring and slave.” This is often a point of contention and a common argument for changing our anthem. Slavery is a deep-seated, inextricable element of American history and needs to be acknowledged whenever discussing said history. So frankly, I wouldn’t mind if slavery was mentioned in a truthful way in our anthem – In our current anthem it is not used in that capacity, however.
Tradition: “How can you change the Anthem?! It’s tradition!!!” Gross. Tradition for tradition’s sake is literally the worst argument for keeping anything ever. There are just as many terrible traditions as good ones. “Tradition” has long been an excuse to cling to outdated and immoral systems. Le Sigh… But people really do hate change.
If you love tradition so much go live in Anatevka.
Possible Alternatives
Far be it from me to complain without offering my own solutions. If “The Star-Spangled Banner” goes, we will need a replacement.
My Country Tis of Thee
Pros: Nice tune, Not overly difficult to sing, patriotic lyrics
Cons: The melody is a direct rip-off of “God Save the Queen.” There would be mass confusion at the olympics if an American and a Brit had to share the medal stand.
God Bless America
Pros: Very catchy and stirring. That Irving Berlin sure could write a song.
Cons: The lyrics are a bit cheesy. Use of the term “God” in the title and lyrics won’t go over well with some folk.
America, the Beautiful
Pros: Great lyrics. People can argue a lot about American, but they can’t deny the natural splendor. And in the middle of the song you get to shout “America! America!” Shouting the name of your country should be one of the priorities in a national anthem. Bonus: Ray Charles version and Schuyler Sisters version.
Cons: All about the beauty, very little about the people or ideals.
I’m jealous that Canadians get to shout the name of their country right at the start of their anthem. The name of our country isn’t even in our anthem!!!
The Battle Hymn of the Republic
Pros: If we’re going to have a National Anthem about a war at least the Civil War is a good one. Plus the refrain is so damn catchy that even British soccer teams have co-opted it for their own chants.
Cons: Overly religious. Reminding the South that they lost won’t go over well with some (southern) folk.
This Land is Your Land
Pros: Very easy and super fun to sing (I think there’s only 3 or 4 different notes in the whole song). Great lyrics. Guitar players and folk-singers get bumped up a level in the National Respect rankings.
Cons: Communist undertones won’t go over well with some folk. Possibly too laid-back for an anthem.
Preach it, bae
I’m Just a Bill
Pros: Teaches us about the basics of our government. Catchy as hell.
Cons: Causes melancholy by reminding us that, in theory, our government should be functional.
America (F*ck Yeah)
Pros: Aweome. Let’s other countries know how badass we are.
Cons: Constant use of the F word won’t go over well with some folk.
Living In America
Pros: The Godfather of Soul, James Brown. Enough said.
Cons: It’s use in Rocky IV will always remind me of the tragic death of Apollo Creed.
Proud to be an American
Pros: Wildly patriotic lyrics. Country music is a uniquely American genre so it makes sense to have a country music anthem. Everyone will remember to stand up when they sing the lines “and I proudly STAND UP!”
Cons: Honestly this song is cheesier than a cheeseburger covered in mozzarella sticks and cheeze-its and while it’s fun, no when can really take it seriously.
The Solution
If I had to choose amongst existing songs I would select “America the Beautiful” or “This Land is Your Land.” However, each song I listed has some flaws. None are perfect. Therefore, I present the best possible solution:
Commission Lin Manuel-Miranda to write a new Anthem for us.
If any American can deliver the perfect Anthem, this is him.
Brohemia 