La Croix – Ranking All 13 Flavors

If you’re like me and all my friends, La Croix is not only a big part of your life, but an indispensable facet of your very being. You probably drink at least four La Croixs each day and buy at least two cases each week. You probably have a growing pile of empty, brightly-colored cans littered about a section of your car you’ve named “La Croix Canyon.” You probably discuss your favorite flavors and inevitably start arguing whether Lime or Lemon tastes better or whether or not Coconut is undrinkable swill. 

Luckily for you, I’m here to put all such debates to rest.

La Croix: So delicious. So colorful. So bland. So bubbles. Hard to believe that there are zero calories and zero sweeteners and zero sodium right? But it’s true. These colorful cans contain nothing but carbonated water and natural essence. Good old natural essence.

 

As an official expert on all things La Croix, I’ve done extensive scientific research in conjunction with Anthony Bourdain, the FDA, and a secret statistical formula created by Nate Silver. Together we’ve discovered the definitive, indisputable ranking of each La Croix flavor.

Warning: The truth can be scary. You may have some of your previous assumptions challenged by reading this blog.

Now, if you’re ready, it’s time to get naturally essenced:

 

#1 – Apricot

Yup, Apricot is the best. Color me NOT surprised.

Full disclosure: I have no idea what an apricot is. I know it’s a fruit but…that’s about it. If you asked me to buy you an apricot from Meijer I’d wander the produce section helplessly hoping to stumble upon a sign that says “apricots.” Is it some kind of cross between an apple and a pear? It’s definitley round…ish, right? Anyway, this is beside the point.

Apricot La Croix is amazing. How amazing? Imagine the feeling of a warm springtime breeze drifting through your window on a Saturday morning, gently waking you to the news that Trump is no longer president. If that feeling could be quantified as a taste, you’d have Apricot La Croix.

 

#2 – Pamplemousse 

Note: Pamplemousse gets its name from the Pamplemousse region of France. Grapefruits that are grown in other regions of the world are not technically Pamplemousse, they are sparking grapefruit juice.

A classic. THE classic. Pamplemousse is to La Croix as the black tux is to any formal occasion. It’s timeless. Sure sometimes you’ll get fancy – it’s summer why not a beige suit? But in the end the black tux is eternally there, reminding you “hey, you can’t go wrong with me.” Oh sure, you’ll leave Pamplemousse from time to time, dabbling with other new flavors, trying some exotic things in college you’d rather not talk about, but you’ll come back. You always come back. You need Pamplemousse and Pamplemousse needs you.

BTW, How frickin fun is it to say the word “Pamplemousse?” 

 

#3 – Tangerine

Remember: these rankings are scientific fact, NOT random opinions.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word “tangerine” was originally an adjective meaning “of or pertaining to, or native to Tangier, a seaport of Morocco on the Strait of Gilbraltar.” Wow! I didn’t know that. Did you know that?

 

#4 – Coconut (Summer Only)

Nothing feels more tropical and relaxing than sipping a Coconut La Croix as the sun shines down on a beautiful Lake Michigan beach. If you close your eyes you’ll think you’re drinking a pina colada with Jimmy Buffet. Pro tip: first get in the mood for your Coconut La Croix by applying some sunscreen as an appetizer – the scent will act as Pavlovian trigger causing your mouth to salivate in anticipation for that sweet sweet coconut carbonated can of goodness.

 

 

#5 – Lemon

Have you ever ordered a water at a restaurant and the waiter asked “Lemon with that?” and you thought ok, why not. Then you took a sip and realized that one slice of lemon floating in 22 ounces of water only gives off the faintest hint of flavor? Well add in some bubbles and voila! You’ve got yourself a lemon La Croix.

If you’re like me you once loved lemonade as a child but now you can’t stand how sweet it is with all the sugars and sodium and calories. Well lucky you. Lemon La Croix has all that lemony goodness with 100% fewer calories/sugars/sodium and 95% less flavor. I sometimes drink three of these a day (true story).

 

#6 – Berry

I love Berry but one thing has always bothered me: Why is this flavor’s name so nondescript? This is the same company that gave us Peach-Pear, because it can’t decide if it’s peach or if it’s pear. They gave us Cran-Rasp because it’s somehow both cran and rasp. They gave us Pamplemousse because the grapefruits are grown in the Pamplemousse region of France. And yet…Berry? Is it Blueberry? Strawberry? Dingleberry? Who the hell knows? Tastes great though.

 

 

#7 – Mango

Remember that hilarious SNL skit with Chris Kattan?

 

 

#8 – Passionfruit 

People are wild about Passionfruit. At this very moment I’m sure many La Croix drinkers are furious to find their beloved Passionfruit ranked so low. But TBH it’s a bit too sweet. So go ahead and hate me America. I don’t understand what the hell you want. The Eagles’ Greatest Hits is the best-selling rock album of all time. Explain THAT to me.

 

#9 – Lime

Throw in some gin and it’s just as good as a gin and tonic with a slice of lime. (But tonic has sugar and calories and sodium. You know what drink has none of those? That’s right, La Croix).

 

#10 – Cran-Raspberry

Do I want to drink cough syrup? Only when I have a bad cough. Even then I don’t enjoy it. That’s how I feel about Cran-Raspberry. Sure it’ll do in a pinch. If I’m thirsty and it’s the only flavor around, I’ll drink it. What else am I gonna do, not drink a La Croix? Ha! Yeah right. But it’s not the most pleasant flavor. And also it tastes like cough syrup.

 

#11 – Orange

When you do a google image search for “orange la croix” 50% of the results are pictures of tangerine la croix. That should tell you about orange’s popularity.

Remember when you were a kid and you went to McDonald’s and you ordered a Happy Meal and they asked you “what kind of drink with that?” and you were so excited to shout “Orange Drink!” and your parents were secretly ashamed of you for liking something so gross and they prayed for your orange drink phase to pass quickly and also for you to stop being the most effeminate boy on the tee-ball team? Yeah, I remember that too. And I don’t like Orange La Croix because I’m not six years old anymore.

 

#12 – Pure

WTF is this?

Ew.

What am I, a pervert? No.

Look, La Croix is supposed to taste bland, but this is taking it too far.

(Side note: I’m calling people who like Pure La Croix “pureverts”)

 

#13 – Coconut (Non-Summer Months)

Do you enjoy drinking sunscreen? Of course you don’t. Because you’re not a degenerate.

Drinking a Coconut La Croix in September through May is like eating Pumpkin Pie any time that isn’t Thanksgiving. We can all stomach Pumpkin Pie once a year because the season calls for it and hey, we haven’t eaten any in an entire year. But lezbehonest, Pumpkin Pie is disgusting and if anyone offered me a slice in April I’d report them to the NSA.

 

#14 – Peach-Pear

First of all, the title is a lie. There’s no pear. It’s all peach. Disgusting peach. I love the peach emoji. And I love sinking my teeth into a soft, ripe, juicy peach. But peach as a flavor for beverages? Imagine going on a Tinder date and you’re thinking, ugh this is going to be terrible because obviously, it’s a tinder date. But then you and your date actually hit it off and have deep conversations and laugh at each other’s jokes and she has this thing her eyes do when she smiles that you can’t really describe but it drives you crazy and you can’t wait to see her again. But then you find out she was a Russian spy sent to discover whether you had access to any top secret microfilm. Unfortunately you didn’t have any top secret microfilm so she’s gone forever. That’s what peach-flavored things are like.

 

? – Key Lime

There’s a new flavor called Key Lime but it’s not widely available yet so Nate Silver didn’t have enough data points for his statistical formula. Key Lime’s ranking is forthcoming.

 

Look at the purevert on the far left.

Well there you go. Questions have been answered and mysteries have been solved. You probably should bookmark this page in case your friends in the future say something outrageous like “You know, Cran-Rasp is really one of the better La Croix flavors” and then you can immediately prove them wrong with this irrefutable proof.

 

A note on Bougie LaCroix
(aka La Croix Cúrate):

There’s this whole other category of La Croix. It comes in a tall skinny can. It’s the same number of ounces as a regular La Croix, but it’s all like “Hey how bout we be tall and skinny like a supermodel since we’re better than all these other plebes.” It also costs more money. It’s Bougie bullshit is what it is. But if you insist on sampling a La Croix Cúrate (as I know the allure will be too much for many of you) then I recommend Mure-Pepino (blackberry-cucumber). Really top notch. Melon-Pomelo isn’t bad either. Steer clear of Pomme-Baya. Trust me.

Happy Drinking!